i thought we were well past this. in fact a heavy metal stone of trust past this stage. if you only could hold true to your word. if you could only not soil the word honesty with your lies. then i would consider you my equal. but you are so much lower for no other reason than this. because you think you are smarter than me so you can outsmart me with your lies upon lies. haven't you learned that the truth is the shortest lie?? maybe your parents didn't teach you that. sad. but let me tell you something. if you are going to do soemthing, be the best, or at least better than all the rest. sadly, your lies translucent. painfully so. valiantly so. and i can't beleive i have delt with as much as i did just to get here. 20 months in, and it's like a flashback to your graduation week. i know. you know, but you dont know that i know. isn't it sneaky of me to play this game. plead with you for your honesty, pretend to beleive your innocent "no already" responses to my questions of your hide and go seek ways. and to know that when you realize what has unfolded you will misplace guilt with anger at me and others. you wont even spare me the acknowledgement of your mistake before you fly into a torrent of blame upon others. i know you too well, little do you know me. to look at the history, i am embarassed to think that after all that i haven't learned already. you are smart when it comes to books, but damn you are too dumb to realize how lucky you are. You may never have another chance not at such beauty, intellect, or charm (i dont claim to have any of those) but at such forgivingness and blind love. you are lucky to have had my love. maybe with time, with experience, you will realize it. if you find someone before then, i wish you best of luck, and i wish her complete and utter blindness. blindness to the lies, deception, your cowardness from the truth. because it'll be the only way for her to be happy. god knows it was for me. And you may claim that i ask too much. but find me any other person who thinks this kind of honesty is too much?

i'm going out in to the world not to seek anyone better persay. But someone who i can trust when i ask "what did you do today?" and when they say they love me i can hear it clearly without the fog of wonder: if you love me, why do you lie to my face, and lust for others just because of the mere size of their breast, color of their hair, or tiny number of their waist.


i will not say it has all been a waste. for while it was good, it was great. but when you were bad, you are hidious. I hate this side of you. the cowardly repulsive side. and yes i know how much repulsive hurts. but i'm sorry my friend, you deserve to hurt for it. YOU NEED to hurt in order to feel how dumb and stupid you were.

no more. i am a free spirit. i shall fly away. come back to me not when you are a different man, but when you are an honest man rather than a cowardly boy.

it started with being worried about our s life. i think it is the definition of dead! nevermind that r life really have never existed. stagnated in the same place it was a year ago. then i got to thinking that there must be something fundimentally wrong cause it's shy of a year and a month, and ur attraction to me is absolute zero. the kind of absolute zero where entropy equals zero. then it made me think maybe it's not you, its not me. it's us. maybe it's something about us that clicked for a while, but isn't meant to click for a while plus a few? the first convo we had was in lists. lists of what we wanted from our ideal other. and our lists were opposites. i maybe fulfill 3-5 of the roughly 25 things you listed. and i'm afraid these differences are the reason we are having the unspoken troubles we are having. And then i realize... every time we talk, you do not sound happy. in fact, i do not think i have but maybe once or twice seen you honestly happy. i noticed this at the beginning but thought that i could be the one to make you happy... i wanted to be the one who made you happy. but... not on our "dates", not when you got into school, not when you graduated, on your birthday, when i told you i loved you. you seemed pleased. content. but not really joyous, excited or genuinely happy. and maybe that's it. you are still looking for something that completes you, maybe it comes in blonde, maybe it comes in funny, i dont know what flavor. but i dont make you happy. i make you content. and content lasts a while, but happiness is every one's ultimate ever after. and this in turn makes me unhappy.
and truth be told i'm really quite happy on the whole. i am happy with who i am. does not mean i will stop striving to improve or do better... but jsut means that i can look around my little world and say that i am happy with where i am, who i am, and what i'm doing. I am being honest to myself. and i'm not going to be dipressed and crazed if i'm not the best, i'm not going to be cynical and antisocial just because i dont get along with certain people, and i'm honestly thankful for what i have and who i have around me. As simple as this last one sounds... it's been a very circular road to get to it. but i think i'm there. and honestly beyond the worries that worries are supposed to contain, i'm not worried about my future. I know i'm healthy. i know if i apply myself i can do things. i know that i like who i am, and i know other people like me too... not everyone maybe, but i dont need everyone's approval. and i am not in the least worried about making money. i know i'll make a decent living, because that's the only living i want to make, and i will be able to live and be equally happy off that. this latest realization has been brought on by xmas. i really dont need anything. my parents are wonderful enough to give me everything i need and more. and i dont want anything. i dont have a list of a million expensive useless things i want or any desire to spend money. and whatever makeshift list i made, are things that i know by having i will be no happier.... no no. i am happy just where i am with exactly what i have.

i guess. the point is that. i'm happy.

and at the same time, i'm somewhat disappointed and sadden by the fact that i can't bring about even a moment of this same happiness in someone i love and care so much about.

very frustrating.

i love thanksgiving. still do always will. i dont understand how people can hate holidays. at worst you dont have any work to attend. at best you spend a few amazing days of quality time with your family.
but somethings, one year later, don't look as promising. infact. despite the denial and no clear cut mention of it, i think there is something looming on the horizon. whether i'm afraid of it or not i do not know because i do not know if i'm the reason for it or not. but i think when it comes to arguing physical fitness, intelligence, religion, and all these big random things... that means something...

i'm soo excited to see Sexual Intellectual again though!~ oh man making a kick ass power hour mix while slurping slurpees~ whoop whoop!!!
oh man and emma.. i love her. she's so beautiful and special. i love her :) and am very excited about the second child that is coming!!!!

sometimes i really dont get it. the letters. the texts. the presents (thoughts not objects). the constant reasurance. the fact that i've never said or done anything wrong once in the 10+ monthes. it feels really shitty to get hated on for no reason, when you are trying hard to get over shit and not hate.
i feel guilty and bad for something i didn't even do.
but at the same time i feel the support and love and really appreciate it.
i get a lot of "you are still together" "how long do you think that is gonna last" "good luck with that sarcastically" when i tell them of the 3 time zones distance. yet. none of it discourages me because i love him and they dont understand that. they only wish they could. and it sometimes sucks when i can't decide whether what i'm doing by talking to a guy is wrong or right or if i i'm flirting or just talking so i knave a way to explain that i have a boyfriend. or when a guy starts dancing with me cause i'm drink and he's drunk, and i have to find some excuse to wiggle my way out cause he's a nice guy and i dont wanna be mean but i just dont feel right.
and i'm not complaining. not for one single moment. cause it's the beest thing i've ever had. and he's the best friend i've ever had, never mind the rest of it. but it's hard when you do all that and never even feel doubt within myself. that he feels doubt. not cool.

but we'll go to bed and tommrow we'll forget about it and e happy that therea re only 9 more days....

school is going well. i feel like i'm finally getting where i wanna be... in everything. people. classes. clubs. oh so speaking of clubs.
i'm starting this club called STAND: Students Take Action Now:Darfur that has to do with educationg people our age about the GENOCIDE that is happening AS YOU READ THIS in SUDAN... most people i've met on campus dont have a clue. or just pass it off as one of those "african things". kinda like back in the day some people passed off the holocaust as one of those "europena things". we all paid the price for that.
so bwhat is happening? there is a government funded malitia called janjaweed that is a radical islamic group. THey are ransacking hundreds and thousands of towns, raping more than 20,000 women, killing over 2 million people overall and 50,000 people in the last couple months. more than 1.5 million people are now displaced. people are starving, thirsty, unmedicated, and scared. and nothing is really happening. about a month ago Colin Powell was the first to acknowledge this crisis as a genocide and bush echoed him at his address to the UN. But the problem is that Russia and China get their oil in part from sudan.
if you want to do soemthing aobut it on your college campus. lemmie know. i can help you with everything. at penn we're doing a letter signing campaign to kofi annan, colin powell, the president, Snyder (our U.S. State dept senior advisor on sudan), and tons of other people. we are starting a green ribbon campaign. we are holding a philadelphia area conference here in november with Jerry Fowler, the head of the Committee on Conscience, as our lead speaker. we will probably have MTV U covering the event.
it's not that hard to make this happen. considering how much time we waste watching out tv shows, drinking, small talking, and wandering around lookig for something to do... this will be easy. i can hook you up with posters, info, signs, and speakers if you tell me.
just give it a thought.

on to other topics. so yeah. 14 more days till boo. i CANNOT wait. it's going to be 5 days of complete and absolute heaven!!! with my very own boo!!! i dunno what i'm gonna do with ymself on the flight over... can't believe i have to wait in arizona for an hour! i'm gonna be running laps i'll be so excited!!!! but i do feel bad about last nights convo. but she is a threat. and he hasn't reached indifference. that scares me a little. but i know he loves me. but after if there is one. i jsut hope it's not her. for his own sake. but i also realize what brought it on. i'm a little to quick to talk now that i realized. love take way toooo long to go away. WAY too long. its true everything leaves a mark. even things you dont want to!

oh and yeah. i ran a half marathon. i'm contemplating a whole one this summer... we'll see. a couple 8k, 10k runs before that at least!!

and i am soooooooo bummmed i can't go to wisc for halloween with 3m!!! BOOOO urns.!
and now i have to go work. cause i have three midterms next week. and instead of studying i'm writing in this lovely journal and listening to the millions of songs i still have to decide warrent ipod play!

lovin.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NORA RUTH SAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Date:	2004-09-14 18:25
Subject:	i'm sending myself mail. pathetic but it makes me happy.
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	coldplay

sometimes i wonder who it is that he's in love with? or maybe it's just a security blanket for him. i wonder if it's all about the act of me loving him. and him loving the fact that i love him. and that's all. cause sometimes when he should be able to tell in my voice and my manor and my conversation that i am really upset and i need comforting instead he doesn't read it at all and excuses himself and leaves because he doesn't like how the conversation is going. sometimes i really doubt whether he knows who i am. what i am like. whether if i wasnt' talking all the time i'd be sitting listening to the silence of air ways.
but i can tell when he's upset. i can even tell what he is doing just by the mere breathing i hear, or the way he speaks. by his voice. and even if he's being frustrating and upset about soemthing i indulge him. i really try everything i can to cheer him up. even if it means being 10 minutes late for something, or missing out on something i was gonna do.
why is my confidence faltering?

it's funny. today i had a discussion about the difference between fictional fiction and romantic fictions, and truth fiction.
i love truth realistic fiction. but i hate it in my love life. prefer the amazingness and imagination and suprise and optimism of the fictional romantic fiction come to life.

i know i have nothing real to complain about. many would say that everything is so perfect that i'm just looking to create something wrong so that i can be a drama queen. but i'm not being a drama queen. and yes there is nothing wrong. but nothing wrong does not always translate into everything being perfect or amazing. there are so many things i hope for that i know will never happen.

i'm so pissed about the stupid package. and i can't decide if i'm pissed cause it hasn't gotten there. pissed cause i've been planning it since july and he doesn't seem the least bit excited about it or worried that it hasnt come. or pissed that all the effort i put into it... and no body cares. maybe i'll just send myself care packages and all the cards i got. that way i'll get to smile for the effort i put in and the love that's within every one of those things that i send, and i can appreciate the effort. cause it's rediculous how i would get if i got the things i sent, so instead of hoping and waiting and finally insisting that something be sent. i hate making people feel like they are obliged to do something for me. i'll send myself stuff. as pathetic as that sounds. i love mail. and i'll be happy. s

sometimes i have to remind myself to be more consumed with my own happiness then other peoples. that's a personal problem.


you know who i really care about the most. the people who actaulyl came and saw me when i was sick. not only once in order to find out the juice. but came and brought me cookies and puffin corn and flowers and sopranos and came cause they cared and wanted to see how i was doing. and they did it without being asked or even hinted at. and it kills me i can't do the same today. i'm sorry.

Date:	2004-09-09 23:41
Subject:	on very long distances
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

you know. long distance relationships are never as simple as they appear to the uninvolved... especially when the distance is not only miles but time zones. it's so difficult. for example, jeremy called me yesterday cause it was 830 his time... but i had a 9am class and was in bed cause it was 1130 my time... and then today i got the sweetest package ever from him... and he called but we could hardly talk cause he was busy and i was not. and then i went out and he called but i was busy... so then i called and he was busy.
and it's so very frustrating. cause each of us try. but each time we call at a busy time it's sooo frustrating to be told to call back later, or to tell that the other person isnt' paying attention.
and it's even more frustrating cause the feelings are still the same. both of us both really want this relationship... but it's so difficult because of such stupid reasons... our lives are about to become very different... when we want physical affection. a simple hug. for god's sake... a HUG... it's not there. and it's so difficult cause it was here. we used to be able to get it within a few blocks walk. and worse. the future looks so bleak. there aren't months and months till it goes back to how it used to be... there will never be a "used to be" again... the closest to that will take years and requires a melody of sequential happenstance and intended incidents... and who knows if even by that time we will know each other anymore.
this is so difficult to type. because every word i type out full of pessimism is a personal blow. i hate it. i hate the feeling i feel inside when i think of this. i hate the feeling when i want a hug so bad, and the simple embrace would make my day, but all i can do is text of message or say that i want that. ah.
but then again the thought of being able to see him in less than 45 days... the thoughts of those precious few days that will be amazing... hold me through. and the idea that i just can't live without him. i dont know what it would be without him because i love him so much. i'd be broken hearted forever. long enough.

ahh. this is so hard. and so sad. and difficult. and it's only been a month almost exactly.

i'm so confused.
i hate how big the u.s. is.
i hate that california is so appealing and phili/the east coast isnt.
i hate that i wasn't born a year earlier or him a year later.
i hate that there is no visable solution
i hate that i love him but i can't whisper that into his ear without the static of the phone in the way...
i hate how empty it is to go to bed without hearing i love you sweet dreams i'll be thinking of you...

i wish this had the same ending as garden state (great movie... good endingn)

first update in a while. so what's new?
i've been to cali, chicago and maine in the meantime. and am about to head back to school. weird! but i'm ready for it.
my thoughts are twirling everwhere. that's what happens when you go hiking by yourself. cuddle parties?! san diego airfair. sorority. CHEM! CHEM CHEM! flipping out about chem. what's new? oh and i'm setting high hopes formyself this semester. and i can't let myself down. putting myself on a plan, and i dont care who comes aknocking or calling or im-ing... until i'm done with my agenda no breaks. i know i wont completely keep to this... but i MUST! its so scary to realize 1/4 of college is gone and i have 4 semesters of grades left before i apply to grad school, and where i got to grad school could really change my life... for more than one reason, and it makes me very nervous and uncomfortable because its so serious and defining, and error is so abundant. and the comforting thought that whatever grades i get i know i will have tried my best and whereevr i go for grad school i'll still be successful,... they just aren't comforting... not good enough. garg. and sometimes i think my ego preceeds my actual ability so far ahead that i lose sight of one when i'm considering the other.
time is becoming very confusing. i'm heading towards 20. i'm done with 25% of college. the days are taking forever but going by so fast. i'm sitting here and minutes are falling like raindrops, yet i'm runnming and another minute is a whole hour.
it's always more dangerous to have blankness infront of you. the risk of spoiling the purity is so great.
btw. california was the time of my life. i can't imagine anything better. and i got pictures to prove it!

ok back to studying. and flipping out. and eventually packing...

i haven't written in here in a while. maybe cause nothing has caused me to think hard enough to come up with anything good enough to write in here. and also there is no turbulation in my love lif.e it's perfect. minus the miles.
but today dick, the guy i was playing tennis with me, a significantly older guy was telling me about his wife's horrible divorce from her first husband, and some of his friends horrible divorces and affairs and tragedies that were marriage related. and he told me that i was young and innocent and idealistic and will soon with time realize how real and sad and painful the world is...
this really depressed me...
now i am as old school traditional as they come when talking about marriage. i think it's a beautiful thing. two people beginning and ending every day together and sharing the most intimate things with each other and being each other's lover and best friend and should ande rock and stone to lean on all in one.
but i agree. i see and hear and watch divorces all around me. affairs that seem so hyped. common. typical. that is one of my greatest fears. being a part of that common occurance. i dont tihnk anything ocvuld ever hurt me more than someone i love and have given all of me to cheating on me.
but this society has a problem.
my thoughts on that are....
since day one... kindergarden, we are asked as a hobbie to portray our ideal man, our own ken barbie. at that point it's about creativity. but as we get older, we have more demands more expectations, the details that we require become finer. the people like that quickly decrease to possible no one. and we become obbessed with this ressume or checklist of requirements... and we all, being egostical or maybe jsut confident, decide that we deserve nothing less than what we want.
what we want.... want....
but! that's wrong. that's stupid
i think people will find the right people and have successful marriages if the find the people they need, not the people they want. the people that can give them all the support, all the happiness that they crave. cause looks only last a second. but that need for security, love, and happiness last a lifetime.

people will find their partners for life is they realize what they are out there searching for in the bars, frats, dating services, is not pages of check marked requirements, but someone who is what they need and to whom they satisfy their needs.

so despite a depressing day on the hopeless romance front.
i want to get married. i can't wait to get married. and i set no expectations as to when or where or how or to whom i get married. cause it will be someone i need, and i will do anything to have them if they need me too.

sigh. fuck rebellion and risque life. married life sounds nice.
wow. i'm 19. this is wierd.

i'm done with freshman year.
and
drum roll.
i dont know what to do with myself!
gah! this feeling of being done and having to leave this all and not having 5 homeworksets due every week! what am i going to fret about?!
i can turn off my 8 am alarm for tuesday and thursdays... till fall at least
SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's been 5 months. 5 months from that very cold snowy day i dragged him down to rittenhouse square and he got sick. how differnt we must have percieved each other. how much could we tell that day that 5 months later we'd be in the same place in t-shirts reading each others looks and leading each others hands?
tonight we walked downtown and then got bad italian, and ended up sitting on a bench at rittenhouse. and i suddenly started thinking about it. how in less than a week it'll never ever be the same. the same as it has been the last 5 months. i know we are both not perfect people, and we are definately not perfect for one another, there are things we each had to give up in order to be happy. but we are happy right now. so happy, and comfortable. and it's not the last person either of us will be with. the first in a string of nonrelated imperfect people. but right now he is mine and i am his. and it's perfect. i love feeling him next to me and making him smile, and i love how he makes me smile. how incredible it feels to drift of into dreams wrapped in his arms, and to see him first thing when i wake up. i guess looking at all the couples holding hands walking by us. it hit me that next year this time, hell in 4 months, i'll be back here, sitting on that very same bench perhaps, and a whole other set or maybe the same couples will be walking by holding hands, and my hand will just be laying idle beside me, with no leg, or face, or back to massage, no fingers to intertwine mine in, no arms to ciricle around my imperfect body and no mouth to whisper "me love you" and then blow into my ear. and it him me just how precious it is. how many people are at this very moment depressed, dienchanted, upset, sad singles yearning for the exact thing we have at this very moemnt. how much we both probably once upon a time wanted it so bad. how ideal and heavenly and real it is. and i wonder how strange it will be at penn next year without him. i wil survive no doubt, and probably have my fun, study hard, and enjoy myself. and he will start a whole new life with all new people. but it's so hard to imagine. yet. despite how long i've put off the thinking about it... i have to face it. there is no one i'm closer to. or have ever let myself get this close. it's amazing how much i've learned about myself. and it's sad that just as i think i've begun to understand him without having to ask. just when i started telling if he was nervous or goofy or indifferent that day.
it's all a few days from changing.
i guess that's life.
but i know this. it is so perfect right now. that whatever happens within the next year. nothing can ever take away from how perfect it is at this very moment. that makes me happy.

i'm going to try and make every one of the days we got left special... in it's own way...maybe just by letting it be normal. cause all of a suddne that is special.

i just wish we had had time to do everything in that bottle. but maybe one day when he ever doubts how much i cared or when he is lonely he'll open it and dream. i know i will.

half way done with being done with freshman year... three more finals. and then school's out for the summer!!! yippie.
it's interesting how far this is from the beginning of year. how everything and everyone seemed so different. i was sitting in bed and thinking of first impressions of the places and people i'm so familiar with now... and i was 50% right. some people lived up to their first impressions others. not so much. and i also got the feeling of single and coupled life on campus. both are awesome for their own reasons. though i have to say, being with j has turned into this incredible thing. i can't describe it, so i wont attempt, but i am very happy with him, and comfortable, and he is the same. and so. i dont know what could be better! despite our individual sensitivities and our opposite ways of expressing our tempers, we get along so well. it's perfect. that's all there istoo it. 5 monthes of imperfect perfect. yay.
and studies. i feel much more comfortable now... though i have a feeling i will be studying a lot more next year... especially if i want to go abroad!!!
speaking of studying... back to physics.

1. Go into your LJ's archives.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your lj along with these instructions.


from "Industrial Revolution (where's Adam Smith now?)"
"...My own personal influence and now, we all have spleens and hearts, ears and mouths; whatever is left to individuality society subtracts. I have the token high school experience: I “discover” myself through a muddle of social soap operas and learning experiences... "

i dunno.
it's so hard to distinguish between my imagination and reality.
i dont feel as if i'm good enough. good enough for anyone. not nice, funny, smart, helpful, inventive, pretty enough.
just good. not good enough... isn't enough.
but mostly i dont feel like i'm good enough for myself.
it's like a game of trial of error with the practical joke that there will never be an end.
i wonder how i get away without anyone else noticing how insecure i am. or maybe it's just that obvious.
thats this feeling inside me. this great sense of insecurity and confusion and inadequacy. makes me want to rip things apart. scream. run and run and run. so that i can get rid of it and go back to being me. whatever thing that is.
stupid conversations that i knew were stupid to start with. and it's true. you can only have infatuations with things. you can only love people. and words dont mean shit. love is measured by tingles. by tears. by random moments where you wake up and long for someone so bad. and know that they are gone forever. and you can't think about crying. because you already are. your heart has beat your head.
and then there the question of futility. spending gaps of my life working towards the next gap in my life. and watching ppreviews. i wondered if i screwed myself over. signed a contract that is my own "sliding doors". except. i dont get the lovely senario play outs. just what i got. and i wonder how different, better worse or exactly the same my life would be if i wasn't so rash. so stupid or so smart. which one will i convince myself of today. can't i jsut stop convincing myself playing with my own head and just see things as there are or is that impossible? can anyone do that?
GAH.
i just want a hug. not a word. not a kiss. just a hug. i just want to be held. craddled would be a plus.

i hate how i screw things up.
i hate how i take the important people and things for granted
i hate how i obesses about being taken for granted when it's least important.
i hate how i dont have a spine.
i hate how i can't remember things.
i hate how i have no signs of intelligence. just numbers.
i hate how i obsess about myself. and never take care of myself.
i hate how i do stupid things knowingly.
i hate how i realize things conveniently too late.
i hate how i feel right now.
i hate being alone.
i hate having to explain myself.
i hate looking in the mirror and seeing me. and knowing i'll never look like i want to.
i hate not even trying to look like i want to.
i hate supressing myself. and i hate my pathetic outbursts such as these.
i hate that i'll go to sleep and tommorow i'll forget and be indifferent to this all
and i hate how this is all typical and hackneyed. and i realize that that is the story of my life. i am no divinci, no michaelangelo, no pauling, no einstien, no queen elizabeth, or juliet, i am no drup dead gorgeous blonde, no hilarious awesome girl, i am no profession,
i am no one.
a spec. a number. a dot. in a monet.

beyond frustrated with everyones obesssions, comments, and attractions with looks. i know looks are important. but people just dont give a shit about personality. loook seem to be everything. fucking judging books by covers. SUCKS. makes me temporarily hate people. i think this is why so many people these days get divorced. remarried. divorced. GRRRRR frustrated.... just thinking back to those good time when john and i would, in a high state, talk about how ludicrious this all is... at least i knew someone understood where i was coming from. :(

you ever look and feel your own body, and wonder where it came from. feel like it's not yours and you dont want it. you want to shed it and be bodyless.
you ever see someone you know sleeping. and look at them. completely blank. and wonder. where am i? what am i doing here? what are they doing here? where is this taking me. and. or . them. how deep does the no future extend to. if this was meant to be what is the meaning. or is this a result of chaotic movements. steps, slides, gallops. stagnant wonders.
you ever wake up in the morning and want to get out of bed. just need to.
today is like that. i just couldn't lay there any longer. my mind was running everywhere and i wanted to too. nevermind it's early. i just wanted to get out THERE. and walk around in the cool spring rain, splash in puddles, not say a single word yet have entire conversations. look at everything without anyone in the way. just me and piles of rock organized neatly. cars indifferently going zoom zoom zoom through lakes. so much is moving around me, yet it feels so calm and classical.
the unsettled head slides into the rythm of the rain drops against its hard surface, and it's all ok.

there is something i so selfishly love about being alone in the rain...

what a fabulous weekend. i went up to toronto to see nora, meet up with family, and go to my cousin's wedding.
i have not had such a great time with friends and family in a while! i feel so alive and rejuvinated all of a sudden cause i've taken a step out of the monotony that is penn life this semester.
ok so a run down:

thursday: RAZ-LE DAZZLE NIGHT!!! yaya nora at the airport, then got grossly overcharged at the liquor store, fixed that, got served tea on a to-go meal call, chowed chinese, pregamed hehe with lemon... haha sorry nora but i just couldn't resist, (if you have not seen nora after a shot... you are missing out!) then to settle our taste buds after the vodka, we sipped on blueberry alcohol or some sort? hehe. then went out with the girls (aweosme people) hehe and hit up the timbidts, then danced it up with creeps at picadilly circus... yeah toronto!!! it was so awesome dancing and chilling with nora. nothing like friends you've known your whole life... never seems to fail to amaze me how awesome she is!!! haha then there was a fight and the creep population was increasing so we left... hehe and nora and i basically passed out at the dorm while nelly and mara kept chatting. next day. haha the bottles of absolut didn't look... quite as exciting! so we lazied around, made nora miss class by example ;), hit up breakfast in the afternoon and went and saw emma.
emma is awesome!!! she's beautiful and growning so quickly. i'm so sad i dont get to see her more often cause i feel like i miss a lot! and sasha and kate. best coulple ever. sometimes i look at them and doubt whether it's ever possible for me to find such completely devoted and dedicated love. and othertimes i look at them and it's encouraging. lol and sometimes i look and them and wish i could be them so that i would have everything that i've ever wanted and it'd be perfect. but hell... what's life for!
anyhow. then babysat and did work.
next day chilled with emma sasha and kate, and then went out to dinner with my cousins. they are so awesome. everytime we meet i dont want to leave... justified by the 5 hour dinner we had. danny is the man. i dont think i've ever met a guy as perfect in every way than he is. Well, he's gorgeous. but that's nothing. how he played with emma and was so excited about it, how decent he is, sweet and caring, excited about so many things, how good he is at hockey, and driven at everything, and he is so modest that i dont think he even begins to recognize how awesome he is! i love him so much, and looking forwartd to chilling with him this summer!!!
anyhoe. that dinner was best feeling ever. we had a huge long table. and everyone sitting at it was family. there's nothing better.
then sunday. the wedding. i love weddings. i would hate my own wedding. but i love going to weddings where everyone is so excited and in love and having fun. and it's awesome watching two people dedicate themselves to each other for life.
tohughl. nora and i were talking about it. for life is a really daunting idea at our age. i can't beleive people get married now. if i get married i'd want it to last for life for sure. but how can you be sure at 19? then again. everything is a risk right?
either way. danced the night away with yan, my dad, my mom... wooo crazy parents i got once ya put some vodka in em!! and i wondered why it happened to me!
and now i'm back at penn. tons of work. little sleep. and was greeted with an absoltuely wonderful feeling hug. work work work. but i feel so incredible after this weekend. i dont know what it is or was!

it's nice when reality sets in, enchantment vanishes quick. and you realize it's possible. very possible. for everything to end.

Date:	2004-03-22 19:19
Subject:	awesomeness
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved
Music:	311- love song

this weekend was awesome.
hanging out with alison. and realizing that despite the distance and what are becoming completely different lives, we laugh just as much if not more, and have just as much fun. and now, ironically, with out lives so distant and different, we can relate so much more. i love that girl! so sad she isn't gonna be home over summer! something will... must absolutely be done about that!!!
and before al came up, i found out i'm living in the quad next year, i'm beyond excited cause it's a nice comfy single on the 3rd floor of spruce, overlooking the quad. it's one of the things that sold me on penn, and now i finally get to experience it... plus a lot of other sophmores are living there... it's gonna be great fun!
and always the greatest part of my life these days... j. it's become something incredible. i am in love undoubtedly. my body can sense him near, his touches send a thrill through my every part. when we fall over in each others arms laughing, i want to press pause so it never has to change. i feel so comfortable i feel as if i was alone. i love it when he looks at me or touches me or i catch him when he's not paying attention. it's the little things. massaging his leg just how he likes it when i can tell he's stressed. getting him cookies cause i know he skipped dinner. kissing him lightly on the cheeks. tickle him whne he's least expecting it. him, distracted from his studies, making me little "i love you" powerpoints with the 311 Love song to match cause he knows i want a distraction too. how he knows me so well that he predicted exactly what happened in my head in the cashier's line at the bookstore when i chickend out of the light blue sweats. but the most incredible moment was last night. we were both relaxed and couldn't laugh anymore after my hula skirt trials, and we stood each in the other's arms, and he sand into my ear "the reason" by hoobastank. it was perfect. incredible. i was so happy and safe and in love. i didn't want the song to end. lol thank god it happened to repeat. and it's all so incredible. i dont want to let go. and i dont want to ever think that i'd have to. and it's all coming up so quickly. and all of a sudden the 4 monthes it's been, or the 6 weeks that are left, or 2 week visits. just dont seem enough. and i'm searching around my room for the remote so i can make it stop. and turn on the rewind. play it all slow mo, so i never have to see the end. i konw understand more than ever why people warned me about getting into it. but i also understand now why they were so incredibly wrong. why does cali have to be so far away. and does time have to go so quick only when it's enjoyed. i know the answer is... it just is, and it just does. but that's the thing. it's not just!

either way. incredible weekend. sad to be leaving it next weekend, but i do get to see raz in toronto and go out and hang with her!!!! and see emma! tres excited!!!! YAYAYAYA